A Tale of Two Tampons
POSTED IN: Authenticity, Completely Crazy
Like any good husband I usually get the monthly request to pick up feminine hygiene products. I get the phone call or see it snuck in on a grocery list.
Often times when I run out in the evening I’ll see other guys aimlessly wandering the hygiene products isle with a look of confusion and bewilderment on their face. They finally grab a box, stuff it dutifully under a bag of frozen peas to disguise it and make their way to the checkout.
As they stand there in line they’re thinking the same thing every guy thinks when he has to make this kind of purchase,
“Dear Lord, I hope I picked the right one!”
Because God knows NO man wants to be on the cell phone in the middle of a store having this conversation,
“Honey, what kind of Tampon do you need again?
Super what?
I don’t see Super Plus Tampons here, what about Extra Super Tampons?
What? Look, can you just tell me what color the box is?”
Can someone please explain to me why you need that many options and brands to choose from when purchasing a Tampon?
Ladies, let me explain something to you about men. We like to appear confident and self-assured. We like to know what we’re doing. And nothing destroys our confidence quicker than sending us out to buy Tampons. I honestly believe that they purposely label the products to try to trip us guys up.
Light Tampax?
Extra Light Tampax?
Super Tampax?
Super Tampax Deluxe?
Extra Super Deluxe Tampax?
Would you like fries and a drink with that?
Here are a few questions I have.
- Is there honestly some rhyme or reason behind the names they put on the boxes? Or are they result of some misanthropic lady in the marketing department designed to confuse the men that have to pick them up?
- Do you really need to wait until the very last minute before sending us out to pick them up? Isn’t this something that happens fairly close to the same time every month?
- If this is a product that you know you’re going to keep using for at least then next 15-25 years, why not buy it in BULK? Heck, get 3 or 4 years worth. This may be crazy guy-talk here but hear me out. You’ll save money and avoid sending us men out to buy the wrong one! It’s a win-win!
To all of the wives out there - your men love you. We honestly try to pick up the right thing but there are just some things that guys weren’t meant to pick out. Tampons are one of them. Now, on the other hand, if you’re looking for a new TV for the living room…
Guys, are you tracking with me? Have any of you asked the same questions? Got a funny Tampon story to tell?
Gals (those of you who are still subscribed after reading this), help us out. Am I off track?
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June 25, 2008
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I have never had my husband buy anything like that for me.
spatulahandles last blog post..…I’m feeling creative today!
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June 25, 2008
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I am laughing hysterically at this post.(people in surrounding cubicles are peeking their heads up) I would never call my wife… I would either by one of each or see if they have a Multi-Pack that has a little of each in the box.
I cannot stop laughing over this post. I really needed it.
Adams last blog post..Long Term….
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June 25, 2008
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I’m not scared to buy… and I get points for getting the brand right. Least I can do!
headphonaughts last blog post..Me too..!
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June 25, 2008
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Costco/Sam Club! Buy in bulk!
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June 25, 2008
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@spatulahandle - Good for you. Could you pass along the memo to all the other wives out there?
@Adam - Now that’s a guy talking. Buy a MULTI-PACK! Everyone likes an assortment, right?
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June 25, 2008
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@headphonenaught - you’re actually on a point system with this?
@CraigHastie - Amen!
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June 25, 2008
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oh, you’re off track, but this post isn’t the reason why…
ha ha just kidding!
natalies last blog post..What a spaz
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June 25, 2008
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Honey, I’m still laughing…… I’m so sorry I have ever put you through this. I hope that this post doesn’t reveal to you that NO OTHER man on earth would ever go in and buy tampons for his wife. I love you!!!
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June 25, 2008
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Also…. It may feel like it is monthly, but definitely not!
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June 25, 2008
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been there. sometime remind me to tell you the story where I had to buy a female product and the Target cashier had to call for a price check over the load speaker. It was really embarrassing.
patrowlands last blog post..An Easy Way to Make a Huge Difference
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June 25, 2008
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Brad- this is awesome & hilarious!
I feel horrible every time I have to send Jeremy out for this, but he does a PERFECT job all the time, and I love him that much more for it.
You have made several good points- and with all the new packaging they’re doing, even I get confused at what I’m buying!
BRAVO to all the wife-loving-tampon-buying husbands!!!
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June 25, 2008
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Definitely done this, but only occasionally. You kind of get used to it.
Read Scotts last blog post..My Camera-Shy Puppy [Video]
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June 25, 2008
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@patrowland - lol…that’s hilarious.
@AmandaWalker - Ok wait, he does it perfect EVERY time? That doesn’t make me feel any better. I’m glad at least to hear even a woman gets confused by the packaging.
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June 25, 2008
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I don’t have a funny story to tell, but I had one thought while reading this hilarious post:
*Telling us what color the box is would not work, as you well know they are mostly all blue, so we would really be in trouble then. Dark blue, light blue, blue gray, blue with the orange swoop, blue with the green swoop, blue with the pink swoop? Talk about a deer in headlights!
I loved #3 - Sams or Costco should have the answer to that one.
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June 25, 2008
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One more thought, thank God for text messages, that may solve the calling issue. Hey with picture mail you can snap a picture, text it over and see if it is correct, this could probably be done very inconspicuously, take the pic, walk to another isle, wait for response, go grab ‘em!
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June 25, 2008
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#2 is SPOT ON!
But I’m a very blessed man in that I’ve never been assigned this task. My wife rocks.
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June 25, 2008
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@Nick - right on! I love it…picture messaging! Although, then you’ve got the whole thing about people looking at you weird when you’re taking pictures of Tampons in the Feminine Hygiene isle.
@MudPuppy - you should ask her to let you try it sometime. You don’t know what you’re missing!
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June 25, 2008
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This is very funny! And I have only on very very rare occasions made my husband purchase sanitary products for me. For the record, I’ve been sent on the condom run post-baby and before going back on the pill, and let me tell you, he is equally picky about that.
As to why there are so many different kinds, our bodies are shaped differently and we come in different sizes (as my mom so graciously put it, “honey, you [age 12] and I [age 37, two childbirths] couldn’t use the same kind of tampons.”). Also, the amount of absorption we need varies from woman to woman and time in the cycle. For example, “super” means “omg lots of blood going on here,” but that looks gross on a box, so we don’t call it that.
Hey, you asked.
Definitely go with the multipack. And work those husband points. That’s worth a foot rub at least.
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June 25, 2008
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@Becca - Holy crap…TMI TMI!!!!!!
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June 25, 2008
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LOL…very funny post, Brad! I too have rarely sent Dan on those kind of pursuits. I do buy in bulk at Cost-Co :). He did have to pick up products after I had Maddy because I didn’t realize…oh, never mind!
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June 25, 2008
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LOL… This is just too funny. I’m laughing hysterically. LOL
I know my husband should feel very lucky that I don’t send him to the store for those due to me being very picky. LOL
I to feel very sorry for the husbands that get asked to do that.
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June 25, 2008
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Two things…
1. Would you really want 3-4 years worth of tampons hiding around in your bathroom? Inside every cabinet and drawer you open?
2. Yes, my wife would like fries and a drink with that. So a trips to McDonald’s is in order along with the emergency run to get tampons…
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June 25, 2008
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hahaha…. DUDE. you are SO RIGHT ON!!
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June 25, 2008
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I have never sent my hubby for these. He wouldn’t do it…EVER. Although he did have to buy maxi pads once. I had the baby early and wasn’t prepared for that. But I wasn’t picky at that point.
We totally need options. For example days 1-3 are heavier than days 4-6.
I agree multi-pack is a good option when you aren’t sure.
P.S. I think you’ll gain readers from this post…because google will send ladies your direction who are looking for “what size tampons should I buy” or “why are all tampon boxes blue.”…….I’m thinking lots of female traffic!!
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June 25, 2008
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Last post I thought I would ever read today but it was pretty hilarious and rang true to me anyway.
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June 25, 2008
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HHAHAHAHAHA! I have found two ways around the “tampon mission dilemma”… because I am not as brave as you…
1- pregnancy: if your wife is pregnant there is not a huge need for tampons, therefore you don’t have to buy them… heres to perpetual pregnancy!
2- self check-out: my personal fav, pick up a magazine, wrap the tampon box in the magazine and then proceed to self check out… no one has to see you with them at all, brilliant!
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June 25, 2008
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sounds like you need to learn a man skill called ‘ selective incompetence’
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June 25, 2008
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@Mandy - Us guys are on a need-to-know basis and there are some things we just don’t NEED-TO-KNOW! Oh, and good point about the Google traffic. That’s great…a guy blogging to a bunch of ladies. I’m going to have to write some real “manly” posts to make up for it.
@Nick - perpetual pregnancy? So how’s that working out for you? Oh, love the self-checkout trick!
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June 25, 2008
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I really can’t believe you just went there.
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June 25, 2008
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Wow - you actually uploaded photos of tampons…which means you googled tampons or when to a tampon website…
I’m not sure what is worse, bro…buying them or goggling them…
(I don’t believe I’ve ever said the word tampon more in my entire life…thanks for that)
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June 25, 2008
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@PeteWilson - it sounded like a good idea at the time…
@CJ - yeah dude, I googled the word “tampon.” The first, last and ONLY time I will probably ever do that!
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June 25, 2008
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I just love the way the people at the cash register interact with men buying feminine products…
Especially if it’s a woman. She’ll usually have this half-suppressed smirk…
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June 25, 2008
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Oh, I get it. You just wanted a bunch of chicks to comment on your blog
The interesting thing is that 24 of your 33 comments are guys
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June 25, 2008
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this is even more hilarious for me because it was just 2 weeks ago that my pastor was telling the exact same story about having too many choices of feminine products to choose from at the store. here’s a link to the sermon posted online.
http://is.gd/FIy
the story starts about minute 18:08.
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June 25, 2008
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@inWorship - ha ha, actually I was aiming for the guy’s response. You know, the “plight of the common man” kinda thing.
@abelara - See, I knew I wasn’t alone! I’ll check the story out. Thanks for the link.
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June 25, 2008
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HAHAHAHAHA. The first mission my wife sent me on ended in disaster because I disregarded orders and decided cheaper was better…which it is apparently not.
The only thing more embarrassing thing I’ve had to purchase on more than one occasion is a pregnancy test.
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June 25, 2008
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I agree in part with Becca. People are picky about what types of personal products they use and how comfortable they are, whether it be condoms, pads, or tampons.
Personally, I take a cell phone picture of the box because they are FOREVER changing something about the style/color/design/whatever of those types of products.
So…..just take your handy-dandy camera phone and snap a pic of the product in question before you leave home…that way you know exactly which one you’re trying to find! And if the box has changed, pray that your resolution on your camera phone is high enough to read the details on the box! (This technique works with LOTS of different products. I keep a picture of Tim’s favorite shampoo and deoderant in my phone at ALL TIMES.
)
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June 25, 2008
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Hysterical post and comments!! Thanks for the laugh today! LOL
If it’s any consolation, as a girl, I’m always uncomfortable buying the product!!! It’s as if I’m announcing to the whole world - “Hey, see I need this now!!” 8-p
I go for the Costco option. It means less trips to the store, I’m always prepared when the time comes, and only occasional embarrassing moments at the store.
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June 25, 2008
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@Becca - I just threw up a little
stephen lechners last blog post..Weird Wednesday #2
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June 25, 2008
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I needed a good laugh. And you came through. So, since you lost your man card yesterday and realized you never had a grown up card, this post fit you!
P.S. My hubby says No way!
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June 25, 2008
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Imaginary brownie points
My wife appreciates me picking them up for her as and when she needs them… and I will… I’m cool with it all.
headphonaughts last blog post..Me too..!
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June 25, 2008
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Been there… I look them up online before buying them in the store. Then I know what I’m going for. Two light-duty and a couple medium-duty seems to work out… But the beads of sweat still form as I hand them over. “Will I get my head ripped of or not?”
Brook Sarver
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June 25, 2008
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You speak for us all! …and as a fellow dad of daughters let me warn you: You’re fun has just begun!
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June 25, 2008
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holy cow… i am cracking up!!!
first… yah, @becca i’m actually with stephen, i just threw up a little.
and… i can’t even imagine sending my husband to the store for this on soooooo many levels. seriously. i go to extraordinary lengths to make sure he doesn’t even know i even suffer from this feminine curse. he thanks me profusely on those off occasions that he asks the wrong question at the wrong time and suddenly realizes that he is not ordinarily made privy to this particular event in my life.
on a side note: cold play is playing on the daily show right now. i’ve never heard them before. i have just now realized what the rage is…. awesome!!! [i know, i know... i'm not ordinarily this behind on stuff like this]
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June 26, 2008
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Wow…I don’t know which is funnier, the original post or the comments, but I’m laughing my head off right now. As for the answers to your original 3 questions:
1: I don’t know who came up with the names or why they’re so similar (Tampax, Kotex, Playtex, etc), but I can see how they would be confusing.
2: Personally, I don’t actually NEED to wait until the last minute to go out and buy them so much as get reminded that I need them at that very special time of month. When that happens, I’m usually in short supply. =)
3: I can see how that might be cheaper in the long run, but where would you put them all??
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June 26, 2008
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i’m a female and personally i hate buying my own “products”. i always felt embarrassed standing alone in that aisle trying to figure out what i wanted/needed. and then i got married (to @abelara) and he didn’t mind making this purchase for me- without me. he said he figgered no one would assume they were his so he wasn’t embarrassed to have them in his cart.
btw i’ve been on the perpetual pregnancy/nursing plan for a while and haven’t needed much since jan 2006- but it’s nice to know he’d go if i was in need.
deblaras last blog post..family vacation in seattle
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June 26, 2008
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i have been buying tampons for my wife since before we were ever even engaged. but yea - i agree how come every month - they are completely out and they have to have one right now.
and as for what type - i think my wife is quite super. but she prefers one of the other ones.
blakes last blog post..1-800-GOOG-411
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June 26, 2008
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I’ve been checking your blog daily and I can certainly say I absolutely love it!
Here’s some advice…Just but a Sports Illistrated magazine and hide the box all the way to the checkout. No one will ever know…unless, like Pat, it needs price checked!
Lisa Feathers last blog post..No Gym Today…
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June 26, 2008
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This is funny! I hate having to shop for my own products… I could relate to your frustrations and anxiety with all the choices. I have NEVER asked my husband to run this errand, but he probably wouldn’t be bothered by it at all. He’s so much more relaxed and confident than I am.
Jenni Catrons last blog post..Wednesday Woman of Influence
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June 27, 2008
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how funny….now to all you guys - think of it as a labor of love! I’ve bought every method of birth control under the sun (you get more stares with a buggy full of this stuff than pads and tampons), multiple pregnancy tests, carried and delivered three children all via c-section, nursed three babies, can no longer fit into pre-pregnancy clothing, and after all that, it’s just the least my husband can do!
He owes me since all he ever did really was have fun! I guess he paid for the babies too. I suppose I should give some credit for that!
I have a VERY simple solution. Usually there are a few left in the box from last time. Just go look at it before you go…….
@Nick - I think that being pregnancy continuously will cost ALOT more than buying tampons.
But if it makes you feel any better, I get confused too……..
And my husband does it without complaint. I don’t think he cares at all.
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June 28, 2008
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[...] Anything with 48 comments about tampons deserves a Hot Link… [...]
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June 28, 2008
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I got no shame buying tampons… I’ll even whip out the cell phone and call while staring straight at them if the ones to grab aren’t there.
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June 30, 2008
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You’re right on track, brother. I’ve been married 24 years and I try my best NOT to ask my husband. It just seems like common-husband-courtesy to me…. but last month, I had to do it. I had to be somewhere and didn’t have time to stop at the store…. and he was on the way. He refused to do it unless I ripped the entire front cover off the box. He shoved it into his pocket and off he went. He said he refused to do the “I-can’t-figure-this-out cell phone call from the feminine products aisle” … since there is usually AT LEAST one other guy doing the same thing in the same aisle. He cracks me up.
You’ve almost quoted my best friend verbatim. She once said, about birthdays, that they happen every year at the exact same time so there really isn’t any reason to be unprepared. Good point.
I found you through Los @ Ragamuffinsoul. I look forward to reading more.
Blessings!
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June 30, 2008
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I’m lovin’ Nick’s idea with the text/pic messaging. My 16 yo and I were four hours from home on a trip to Myrtle Beach and our truck lost power steering, defrost blower and began to over heat. We pulled over and looked under the hood. I sent a text pix to my husband to show him that I thought the serpentine belt had come off! (yeah, I was riding too fast through huge water puddles …. you know, like a boat …. and got water up under the hood) It was cool that he could see what I was lookin’ at and was able to help me figure out what to do next!
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July 2, 2008
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Hehe… I’m not married, so I always have to pick up my own stuff. My sister-in-law was my roommate before she married my brother, and when we needed tampons, we would always buy a huge chocolate bar as well, and make sure we went to a guy cashier. Cruel, maybe, but pretty funny. They would always stammer “Ha-Have a nice day…” and do their best to be really nice. We thought it was hilarious.
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July 4, 2008
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[...] from the other great bloggers is his ability to make the simple seem interesting - as displayed here: over 50 comments on a post about Tampons! I hope, in the very near future, our paths will [...]
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August 12, 2008
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oh crap! this is so stinkin funny brad!!!
i have always been haunted since i was a little girl that my name makes up half of “tampax”
very disturbing!
tams last blog post..clearly this is not bio-degradable
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December 19, 2008
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This is the first blog that had so many comments but I HAD to read them from beginning to end!
Freaking HILARIOUS!
BTW - I have no problem buying them either… actually, I’ll tell you a little secret: l like reading so much that one time, when I was younger and I didn’t have anything else to read I went to where my mom had her tampax products and read how to insert them…. yeah, I was that bored….
Bajanpoet’s last blog post..OMG - Penguin Friskiness!
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December 19, 2008
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And the fact that I’ve just come from reading the Penguin post is just coincidence!
Bajanpoet’s last blog post..OMG - Penguin Friskiness!
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December 19, 2008
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Haha! This is so funny. I remember the first time I had to ask my dad to go to the store for this very reason. He was so bewildered. Being a divorcee with two sons and me as his only daughter - I’m sure he wished I was a boy!
Kayla Grace’s last blog post..great entry.
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January 1, 2009
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I read this before and all I remember about it was that I laughed for literally like 15 minutes I’m so dreading the day that this happens to me =)
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January 18, 2009
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Great post … but you forgot to note the “distraction purchase.” Much like purchasing condoms, I believe tampons also require the distraction purchase.
Nothing takes the awkwardness out of the checkout line by accompanying your purchase of items with “super-absorbent” or “ribbed for her pleasure” on the label with a bag of Doritos.
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January 29, 2009
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Glad I am past that stage. Long past it. Great post though! Mad me chuckle because I can remember…
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February 12, 2009
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This is hilarious!
I work in a pregnancy crisis centre, I give talks on sex ed to teenagers all the time.
But I still get humiliated buying those products. I hate it when they adverts for them in a cinema (particularly if there are guys around me), I just want a hole to swallow me up rather than anyone know I have to use such products.
Seriously, shopping is a huge thing…I can’t go to the checkout if there is a guy there, I can’t put them in my trolley if there is a man in the aisle and I have to make sure I have loads of other things in my trolley so it looks like I’m just buying them to have them ‘in stock just in case’. I cannot go into a shop and JUST buy the feminine products because then I think ‘everyone will know’.
One of my biggest fears is that I’ll bump into someone from church in the supermarket while I have such products in my trolley and they see them.
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February 13, 2009
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Okay, I’m not married, but this is my idea….for all wives to help out Your Husbands….
Tear off apart of the box that has the exact type you want. That way the guessing game is not an option.
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February 25, 2009
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Brad, Love the blog.
Seriously guys. You have never looked sexier to your wives than when you are holding a box of tampons you just bought for her (or a toilet bowl brush). Or so I am told by my beautiful wife.
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March 4, 2009
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This is great, I never thought about the bulk idea, what a great thought. Although the only feminine product I’ve had my husband buy were maxi pads after the birth of our second son. I think I was specific enough that he was confident in his purchase!
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May 11, 2009
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Maybe when there’s a fresh box you should take about 4 out. Stuff them under your sweaters or in the back of your sock drawer. Then when you get that call or the request for you to go get more, you can just say, “Hey, check under my dark green sweater!” Then you have a short supply to last until she gets back out the next day or so!
Problem solved!
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May 18, 2009
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May 18, 2009
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Absolutely hilarious. I just wrote a blog about the whole embarrassment aspect of it. Great Blog!
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May 24, 2009
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Too funny! I can’t say that I’ve ever asked hubby to buy them.. He’d for sure get the wrong thing!
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June 14, 2009
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What’s as bad as having to buy tampons for your wife? Getting to the checkout counter, and it’s a guy (you had no choice) and you put the K-Y jelly on the counter. And you do NOT look at the guy. Ever. Ever again. We all have to suffer a little to show love to our partner…
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June 26, 2009
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Funny post! I hate buying them in stores so I often order them online. Gotta love Amazon or Walgreens! Discreet and Free Shipping.