CONFESSION: I Care Way Too Much About What Other People Think Of Me
POSTED IN: Authenticity
The reason I chose this as my first confession is because most of my other confessions come back to this one in some way or another. Be sure to read this first.
We’re taught from an early age to ignore the kids who tease us at school. “Their opinion doesn’t matter,” we’re told but when you’re the one facing ridicule it does matter. A lot.
I wish I could say that I’m confident enough in who I am as a person to never waste time wondering what people think or say about me. Unfortunately that’s not true. When I meet someone for the first time I can remain cool and collected but often times during the conversation but sometimes I catch myself thinking things like
- Am I overdressed or underdressed compared to them?
- Are they engaged in the conversation or am I a distraction?
- What did they think about the comment I just made? What if they disagree with me?
- Am I making a good impression?
Wondering what other people think is magnified ten times when I’m speaking to a crowd. If they’re honest, many pastors will tell you that Sundays are an emotional roller coaster. I don’t think there’s one message I’ve shared where I haven’t asked myself…
- Did I say too much? Not enough?
- Did I hit that point too strong?
- Was I too offensive? Too soft?
- Could I have worded that different?
Before I give you the wrong impression let me assure you that I don’t spend my evenings curled up in a corner biting my nails asking, “Does anyone like me?” I’ve learned to be confident in who I am in spite of other people’s opinions. Part of growing as a leader is being able to make the tough decisions that go against the status quo. However even the best leader will tell you that those decisions are never easy.
I think if everyone were completely honest we all struggle with what others think of us. We struggle because deep-down, we all want to be liked. Nobody wants to be the butt of criticism or contempt. Whether we admit it or not we all desperately crave the approval of others.
So there you have it. Whether I’d like to admit it or not, I have this “people-pleaser” side of me that’s constantly second-guessing what I write, how I look and what I say. I care way too much about the opinion of people whose opion really doesn’t matter.
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August 28, 2008
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Thank you for being so honest. The ironically funny thing about your post is that I have read three others today with topics very similar! I am very much a “perfectionist-people-pleaser” and sometimes, it’s exhausting…
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August 28, 2008
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Me too, Brad.
Meeee too.
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August 28, 2008
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Uh, yeah. Definitely. Just when I think I’m over being a people pleaser, it comes up again one way or another.
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August 28, 2008
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yep
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August 28, 2008
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Kind of sort-of, yes and no
! How’s that for an answer. When I was younger I really had a problem with this. Now, I really actually like me, I’m a good person, I really always try to do the right thing and I’m pretty comfortable with myself. I can’t say it wouldn’t hurt my feelings if someone disliked me, but it’s just not an issue in my daily life. However, in my youth, very much so! My parents were divorced and my Dad was an alcoholic. I painted it a pretty picture because I feared being judged based on the actions of my family. I don’t anymore. I’m very open about my past, where I came from and I no longer feel that those issues represent “Emily” today! But I do agree, that we all want acceptance and to be liked and no one wants to be on the outside, it’s a yucky feeling!
Emily Rowes last blog post..I got tagged!!!
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August 28, 2008
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I am definitely a recovering people pleaser. Taking it one day at a time.
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August 28, 2008
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I’m not sure I know anyone who DOESN’T have this problem to some degree, however slight. I certainly do. I’m fairly secure most of the time, but there are times when I really care about other people’s opinions of me, especially when I meet someone for the first time.
This past weekend I went to San Antonio for a Beth Moore conference and met several bloggers whose work I’ve read for a long time. These were people whose opinions I cared about, and I was certainly nervous about meeting them!
Lisa @ put-it-on-the-lists last blog post..
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August 28, 2008
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I would probably go the opposite way and say I don’t care enough about what people think of me…does that make sense at all or am I crazy?
CJ Millss last blog post..Video Interview with Michael Guglielmucci
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August 28, 2008
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@CJ, I feel the same way. Sometimes I need to think more about how other people view me, making sure that I’m representing Christ in a way that He would want. I agree with Brad as well that insecurity is always lurking. I’ve found the best thing is just to try and be balanced. Now THAT is the hard part.
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August 28, 2008
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this is TOTALLY me! i’m just thankful now that i realize when i’m being a people-pleaser rather than just going through life trying to “measure up.”
brandiandboyss last blog post..Another Year Older…
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August 28, 2008
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Way to be honest bro. I find my elf trying to the the approval of people who are my family. This following christ thing and speaking from the platform…not seeking approval. Chatting with my mom and family who doesn’t know Jesus…seeking. May I just be Jesus. Good stuff…got me thinking this afternoon in Ga.
-Shane
Shane Padgetts last blog post..Being spurred on!
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August 28, 2008
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Hey Brad! You’re a brave man!
But yes, I’m on that page, too! As a worship leader there’s practically no sunday morning where I don’t ask myself: Did I say enough, pray right, listened enough, is this all, how did the people respond?
Man, the list goes on and on…
On the other hand: I’m free!!!
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August 28, 2008
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You guys bring up some good points and perspectives on the topic of people pleasing. It seems some of you share the same problem while others struggle with the opposite – not caring enough. Like Aaron said, the true key is in finding the balance in our lives.
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August 28, 2008
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someone once told me…
“if youre worried about what other people think…dont. theyre only thinking about themselves.”
i think this is so true. think about it…when people are surveying another person, its usually as they compare them to themselves. almost like an inferiority thing – seeing how they stack up against you. i cant be responsible for another’s insecurities, only for me projecting a positive influence and authenticity.
tams last blog post..q & a – part 2
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August 28, 2008
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mos def me too! :-/
Amandas last blog post..I totally get it now….
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August 28, 2008
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You could care too little what people think!
That is a problem.
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August 28, 2008
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I always want people to like me… and to a certain degree I care about what people think/say about me but I’m getting to a point… pushing towards the point… of focusing on God… and doing everything I can that is pleasing in His sight… trusting and believing that everything will fall into place… it’s a struggle…but one day at a time….
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August 28, 2008
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Hey Brad, it’s Brad.
Thanks for being so transparent. WOW! That’s pretty cool. I definitely struggle with approval and wanting people to like me. Man, thanks for having the guts to bring this stuff out and share.
On a side note, did you make the Confessions artwork at the top of the post. It rocks.
Peace Bro,
brad
Brad Grosss last blog post..It’s An Election Year, Part 2
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August 29, 2008
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aw, Im so bad with this… I go over conversatins and things i did or wore in my head all the time and stress my self out even more!
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August 29, 2008
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absolutely i do!
i’ve gotten better at it. although really what i’ve gotten better at is probably just hiding it.
sigh.
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September 1, 2008
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Same problem.
I think it is just part of who most of us are.
I speak to a lot of large groups as well(not church though) and always leave feeling the same way as you do.
As I have gotten a bit older though I tend not to dwell on it quite as much and look at the critism side as a learning process.
Great piece.
Josephs last blog post..Is My Church Spying by Using Alerts?
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September 2, 2008
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it took me 6 solid counseling sessions for me to come to this conclusion. definitely still working on making this less of a part of me.
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September 6, 2008
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hey Brad.. I hear yah 100%. The past couple years I have worked a lot on this area of my life. I am learning that I was created by God the way He made me. I need to care about how I look in the eyes of Christ and how I am doing in the eyes of my wife and family.
Great post. thanks for your authenticity.
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September 7, 2008
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i have the same problem. so…..do you like me? kidding.
Thanks for being authentic.
brewsters last blog post..Saturday
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October 3, 2008
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you know, it’s funny…I’ve been working through ‘breaking free’ of the people-pleasing mentality, and up until the last couple of months, never realized how many others are struggling with the same thing. Which, has totally opened my eyes and made me a more relaxed person. When I feel like someone I’m talking to is really ‘cool’ and start to feel intimidated by them, I can now take a step back and recognize that they are probably ‘people-pleasing’ right before my eyes (trying to give off a certain image). Once I’ve recognized this, I feel totally relaxed and happier to just be myself…goofy and uncool. BUT, gosh darnit, self-consciousness and low self-esteem creep back up on me periodically and it can be so hard to break out of it!