You CAN Judge A Book By Its Holy Cover

22 posted on January 22, 2009

POSTED IN: Blog Posts, Just For Fun

Today’s hilarious guest post is from Curtis Honeycutt, a new blog buddy of mine who blogs and lives right here in the Indy area. Curtis works with outreach at Grace Community Church, blogs at Just Wallpaper and is a regular contributor at Stuff Christians Like.

I think one of these days I’ll write a book…

When someone says something like that, the next question for them is: That’s great, what will it be about?

My theory is that the content is not the most important thing. You’re gonna want a title with some razzle dazzle. Titles with just the right combination of buzzwords sell books baby, and that’s really what it’s all about. The holier the title, the better.

This is what you want to happen: Whenever you utter your holy title aloud, zombies spontaneously combust. That’s right, the undead shriek and crumble into dust. That’s how good your title needs to be. Looking at the books on my shelf, I’ve decided that there is a formula to creating a holy sounding title that will make zombies explode, and I don’t want to keep it a secret anymore (seeing as how zombies are a growing problem in our society these days), so here it is…

How Holy is Your Christian Book Title?

If your title contains the following buzzword(s)…

Purpose (+1 point)
This one is way too easy. And you’ll sell millions of books.
Crusade (-3 points)
Too soon. It might always be too soon.
Vision (+3 points)
It’s so in to talk about vision. Your book can be super vague, but all you have to do is cast the vision for it, and it’ll pretty much write itself.
Revolution (+1 point)
“Revolution” tends to be overused, but makes for an exciting book. Try to think up a new kind of revolution, such as a “Full Size Pencil Revolution” (this would be a manifesto for a different way of designing pews in church auditoriums), a “Unicorn Revolution” or a “Snake Handling Revolution”. See how that last one goes. You might want to invest in some heavy duty gloves first, though.
Tract (-1 point)
…especially if your book is called “Door to Door Evangelism: The Art of aTRACTion”.
Rapture (+1 point)
This falls into the “I dare you” category, because it’s a tough title to tackle, but if you can pull it off, you may have another Left Behind series on your hands.
Hunger (+2 points)
I’m not going where you think I’m going with this one…I’m thinking more along the lines of “Hunger for Modesty: Tankinis Are of the Devil” or “Hunger Me Some Bible”. Something like that.
“2.0” (+2.0 points)
The word 2.0 is so web 2.0. No one really knows what it means, but they want to be it.
Pharisee (-7 points)
You don’t want to have anything to do with the Pharisees right now. For some reason, they’ve been getting a real bad rap.
Dungeon (+3 points)
…as in “Trapped in a Dockers Dungeon: Does Denim at Church Make Baby Jesus Cry?”
Emerging (+3 points)
Any kind of emerging book right now is hot and sweaty with controversy. My idea for an “emerging” book is an emerging pop-up book. That way the book can be emerging in more ways than one.
Monster (+5 points)
Now you may not think the word “monster” would be very good in a Christian book title, but how about this one: How to be a Prayer Monster: Give God a Righteous Roar.
Connecting (-2 points)
Okay, the word “connecting” is so 2006. Unless you use it in a title like “Breaking Down the Walls of Non-Believers Through Lego Evangelism: How to Start a Block-Connecting Outreach Ministry”.
Searching (+1 point)
People seem to be searching for a lot of things right now. If they just had vision…
Dating (+3 points)
Any Christian dating book will sell tons of books. Just make sure to leave room for Jesus.
Tornado (+5 points)
Tornadoes (or twisters, as they call them back home) are holier than you’d think. I even heard that’s really how Elijah got taken into heaven…in a FIRE TORNADO! Call your book “Tornado of Grace” and you’re sure to be famous in church circles overnight.
Relevant (+1 point)
It’s all about being relevant right now. Just don’t put the words relevant, revelation, and elevation together…they are tricky when placed back to back. Although “Relevant Elevation Revelation” sounds like a really cool name for a middle school ministry.

Just remember, the more subtitles your awesomely-title book has, the more people will want to read it. With that said, here’s the title of the book I’m working on:

Any buzzwords I left out? What’s the title of your book?

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This entry was posted on Thursday, January 22nd, 2009 at 7:47 am and is filed under Blog Posts, Just For Fun. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

21 Comments

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January 22, 2009

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1 Adam said:

One question…Can I pre-order this on Amazon?
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January 22, 2009

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2 Daniel McLaury said:

Hey, Curtis, I was bored today and just installed StumbleOn and like the third thing it took me to was this blog… I saw your photo and I was like, “Hey, that kinda looks like Curtis Honeycutt…”

Make sure to let me know when that book there comes out and I’ll buy a copy.
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January 22, 2009

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3 joanna said:

Being a church librarian, I do calculate the Awesome Title Score of books before putting them on display.

Frank Peretti’s Monster is the highest one-word title out there, so it’s obviously on display right now, for example.
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January 22, 2009

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4 Curtis Honeycutt said:

@Daniel: no way! That’s really cool. I think I just might have to write this book…maybe someone could draw the pictures for me.

@Brad: do you stumble your own blogs? Isn’t that frowned upon by the internet?

Curtis Honeycutt’s last blog post..Bankrupt
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January 22, 2009

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5 Brad Ruggles said:

Yeah Curtis, I think you may have to write this one. I think you’ve got a big seller on your hands. Can I get a percentage of your royalties since it was birthed on my blog?

And to answer your question, no, I don’t stumble my own blog. That is kinda cool that he found it through Stumble Upon though because that means someone is stumbling it!
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January 22, 2009

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6 alece said:

“rapture this!” ha!

alece’s last blog post..i’m sorry
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January 22, 2009

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7 Amanda Walker said:

This is hilarious!!! SOOO true! Love it:)

My “in real life” favorite is “The Blind Writer: Finding Faith Beyond Our Christian Subculture” by Matt Bays.
It’s a beautiful read:
http://www.lulu.com/mattbays
hope you check it out!
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January 22, 2009

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8 Aaron said:

Other words with high positive or negative buzz-factor:

paradigm (-1) So Dilbert, only a a nerd would buy your book.

convergence (+3) Everything is converging these days–voice and data, mouth and foot, salt and vinegar. I’ve only been credited with the middle one.

psychology (+1) It was out, it was in, it was out, and now it’s back in. Everyone wants to know the *why.*

hope (+2) These be dark-ish days, so everyone needs a little.

breakthrough (-1) Overused.

motivating (+1) Was overused for a while, on the mend now.

I’m writing a new book myself:

Convergence 2.0: The Phsychology Behind Motivating the Monster in You — Creating a Vision for Tomorrow Inside the Dungeon of Today

Aaron’s last blog post..Why Do We Hate?
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January 22, 2009

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9 Nick said:

I love it!

Tomorrow you can do another book give away!

Nick’s last blog post..My New Favorite Song
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January 22, 2009

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10 Brad Ruggles said:

@Aaron – That sounds like an AWESOME book. Let me know when it hits Amazon so I can add it to my wish list.
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January 22, 2009

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11 Scott Gifford said:

That’s a really funny post. A true-life example of getting carried away with complicated names: An now-defunct church youth organization here in Flint was called “YOUTH: Young and Old Ubiquitously Tabernacling Hearts”. Ubiquitously tarbernacling? You sure you want to go with that, guys?…
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January 22, 2009

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12 Brad Ruggles said:

@Scott – Ubiquitously Tabernacling? Wow. What’s sad is Curtis was trying to be funny when he wrote this, whoever came up with that name wasn’t…
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January 22, 2009

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13 Aaron said:

There’s a church in our area called “Berea Family Tabernacle of Faith.” Apparently, Michigan is a tabernacling kind of place.

Aaron’s last blog post..Why Do We Hate?
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January 22, 2009

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14 Pat said:

this is brilliant! great job on both graphics as well, I love the way Joel’s smiling face just pops through there.

Pat’s last blog post..Creative Genius 101
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January 22, 2009

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15 taylor said:

ha. entertainingly well said. :]
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January 22, 2009

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16 CJ Mills said:

LOVE the graphic….love love love the graphic. (I hate your talent and love it all at the same time – its really messing me up inside….)

CJ Mills’s last blog post..More Money More Orgasms?
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January 22, 2009

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17 Z said:

Funny stuff.

John, over at Stuff Christians Like has make up similar formulas before both for designing your own church logo and naming your new church plant.

Z’s last blog post..American Boy
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January 23, 2009

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18 Rachel said:

haha! You have way too much time on your hands it seems. Hopefully no one will actually need to remember the title of your book.

Rachel’s last blog post..Living A Life Of Integrity
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January 23, 2009

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19 Laura Carney said:

I love it already 110% more than any of the books on my shelf. I think that book could single-handedly change my life…

Laura Carney’s last blog post..THE COW: Madalyn’s Lesson on Sharing…
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January 30, 2009

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20 JWAL said:

Though I admire your thoroughness, you failed to mention missional (+2 maybe) & authentic (+1).

JWAL’s last blog post..The College Basketball Mafia Strikes Again!
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July 23, 2009

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21 Matt Bays said:

Thanks for the shout out Amanda. Excellent!