Facebook Flirts

24 posted on February 24, 2009

POSTED IN: Authenticity, Blog Posts

Facebook is an interesting medium because it allows you to connect with people that you have seen or heard from in years. If you’re a married couple that presents some unique situations because in many cases some of the friend requests you receive come from people you knew and hung out with well before you knew your spouse.

Facebook lets you get in touch with people you haven’t seen or heard from in years. It allows you to find the kid you sat next to in math class when you were in 5th grade or the co-worker whose phone number you lost. But is there a danger for a marriage when you start your own growing list of “his friends” and “her friends?”

Lisa and I value our marriage and relationship with each other to recognize the inherit dangers of social media tools like Facebook. Here are a few guidelines we’ve talked about to help us navigate these potentially dangerous waters.

1. Be Open With Each Other

Honest, open communication is vital in every marriage but especially when it comes to our online activities. If you have your own login/password for your email or Facebook account that your spouse can’t see, you’re playing with fire. Sin grows in the shadows. Isn’t it interesting that the very first thing Adam & Eve did after they sinned in the garden was to hide? (Gen. 3:8)

Lisa and I have made the decision that we can both log into each other’s Facebook accounts and read each other’s email whenever we want. If there is a message or email I would be hesitant for Lisa to read then I probably shouldn’t have typed it in the first place.

2. Choose Your Friends Wisely.

Just because you get a friend request from someone on Facebook doesn’t mean you have to accept it. That’s right, I said it. There are some friendships that are better left in the past. You know who I’m talking about. Remember, “Bad company corrupts good character.” (1 Cor. 15:33)

3. Don’t Think It Can’t Happen To You

I know there are some of you reading this who are thinking in the back of your head, “Yeah but this would never happen to me. I love my wife/husband.” Of course you do. But nobody sets out to destroy their marriage. It just happens.

A huge turning point in our marriage came when I was sitting at the Catalyst Conference in Atlanta and heard John Maxwell sharing about important decisions that have shaped his life. He said that years ago in his marriage he stopped thinking that he would never commit adultery and cheat on his wife and started thinking instead, I can and will cheat on her…unless I take action to stop it from happening. That was a milestone for our marriage.

Don’t think for a minute that you or your spouse are immune from becoming another Internet affair statistic. Your marriage is most prized possession and must be guarded closely. Affairs don’t happen overnight. They usually start with “innocent” chats or messages. Save yourself and your marriage and just DON’T GO THERE!

“But a man who commits adultery lacks judgment; whoever does so destroys himself.” (Proverbs 6:32)

Lisa and I have talked through what it looks like for us to be accountable to each other but it may look different for you. You may decide not to have separate Facebook accounts or to only log in when you can do it together. The important thing is that you talk with each other and decide what works best for your marriage.

Have you talked through this subject with your spouse? What have you decided? Got anything to add?

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This entry was posted on Tuesday, February 24th, 2009 at 9:01 am and is filed under Authenticity, Blog Posts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

22 Comments

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February 24, 2009

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1 Starwoodgal said:

I completely agree. I plaster my Facebook page with pictures of my husband and my family to convey how much I value and love them. If anyone sends an e-mail or makes a comment that would hurt my family, I immediately delete it and I remove them from my friends list. No explanation necessary. I also allow my husband to read my page and messages whenever he wants to. He doesn’t have Facebook, but enjoys looking at mutual friend and family pages.

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February 24, 2009

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2 Jared Woodard said:

Very good point. My wife and I have the same rule with checking each others email,facebook,myspace,etc. It helps to keep me in check when I know at any point and time,she could take a look at my inbox. I dont simply fear her finding anything,I truly wouldnt want to hurt her like that.

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February 24, 2009

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3 Jason said:

I really like the quote from John Maxwell. Spot on.

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February 24, 2009

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4 Nick said:

We have not really discussed it. As far as previous flings, flirts, or intimate relationships go, I know who she dated before me and am not threatened or worried At all.

I’ve given her my password to my email and other accounts on numerous occasions to retrieve something for me, so I am an open book, and my wife always leaves her email open and sometimes her Facebook signed on the family computer, so we can check up on each other at any time if we feel we need to.

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February 24, 2009

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5 Aaron Jackson said:

Great post, Brad! We have to be proactive in avoiding adultery, lust, etc. You’re spot on. “It won’t happen to me,” just doesn’t work. Thanks for the challenge. You da man!
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February 24, 2009

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6 Brad Ruggles said:

@Starwoodgal – Smart. I think I have a couple pics of my special someone on my Facebook too.

@Jared – Right on bro.

@Jason – That session at Catalyst was so powerful and his talk has stuck with me. I really respect that guy.

@Nick – Way to stay safe and smart bro.

@Aaron – For sure man. It’s not enough to just sit back and “hope” we’ll avoid the pitfalls. We have to be proactive.
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February 24, 2009

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7 KO said:

I think openness is best. It’s been fun to find old friends, but I’ve told my husband about every guy friend that I’ve added or has added me. Most of them are ones we are friends with together, but for the ones that I knew before I knew my husband, he knows about them all. I’ve asked him before pursuing one in particular, and with his Ok, I went and reunited with this friend. My husband can see everything on mine, and he is open with any female friends from his past. Your post was a great reminder and heads up to all couples. Thank you!
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February 24, 2009

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8 alece said:

[i was at that same catalyst conference. and was blown away by john maxwell in that session.]

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February 24, 2009

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9 Michael said:

I actually have a friend who was supposed to get married in January, but he isn’t because of a series of “I can’t trust you” moments, including some flirtatious messages sent from Facebook.

This can be a real problem. Thanks for posting this Brad.
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February 24, 2009

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10 Ryan said:

Great post and wise words. I’m not married, but it’s still good to hear these things and see that there are couples out there who are being wise in the way that they live.

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February 24, 2009

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11 Beth Taylor said:

This is a hugely important topic. We have always taught married couples to make plans to safeguard their marriage BEFORE the temptations arise. We counseled with a couple recently who are dealing with an old boyfriend who is contacting the female through Facebook and writing inappropriate things. Bad stuff. You have to slam the door on that. Sometimes you have to do like Joseph did in the Bible and just run the heck away.

Good post.

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February 24, 2009

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12 BJ said:

What’s Facebook?

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February 24, 2009

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13 Cindy said:

Couldn’t agree more! Its very important to have no secrets between us – open discussion. I appreciated your post, its always a good reminder to stay focused and remain “on guard”. Thanks
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February 24, 2009

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14 Eddie said:

Brad…Excellent post. I’m actually going to send this to a couple who have called me for counsel on this subject. Thanks!

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February 24, 2009

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15 Jorin Cowley said:

Thanks Brad, for your insightful article, I believe that openness and honesty is the way to make, and keep a strong relationship. I just started reading your blog the other day, and look forward to learning more from you. Thanks!

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February 24, 2009

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16 Brad Ruggles said:

Thanks everyone for your excellent replies and affirmation on speaking out on this topic. I definitely think it’s something that affects marriages every day. Being aware of the dangers and learning ways to avoid them is the key to saving and building stronger marriages.
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February 25, 2009

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17 April said:

So that’s why you won’t accept my friend request…

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February 25, 2009

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18 bryan allain said:

great post Brad.
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February 25, 2009

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19 joseph said:

Great post.
I have connected with several “x”s if you would…mostly way back from High School.
As long as it is open with the spouse and not hidden, not threatening at all.
Most of us have had a joke or two about the old days and share our great lives and families together.
I think it can become dangerous if and when you do not have open communication with your spouse.
If you talk and are honest, mediums like Facebook are purely fun.

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February 26, 2009

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20 Dad said:

Brad, how come you won’t accept April’s request as a friend? Shame on you.
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March 4, 2009

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21 sexrev.org» Blog Archive » HUGE Wednesday Weekly Wire said:

[...] Facebook Flirts Are You One? [...]
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March 12, 2009

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22 Patty said:

I love this entry. I totally agree that although facebook is an amazing way to reconnect with others it can present a danger in a marriage. I think that the same safe guards should apply in all forms of communication with others.

My husband and I often refer to each other on our facebook sites, post pictures, and like you and your love – we know each other’s pw. Completely agree with what you said that if you feel guilty writing something then maybe you shouldn’t. I don’t drill my husband with who is who as far as friends are concerned, because he tells me on his own and vice versa. Usually we’re pretty excited about a reconnection or a new connection that we just automatically share.