Thin Toilet Paper
POSTED IN: Blog Posts, Just For Fun
Humans have a love affair with their backsides. We love our a**es. We talk about them all the time.
- “Quit sitting around on your butt!” (says the boss man to the lazy a**)
- “Does my butt look big in these jeans?” (fyi guys, there’s only ONE right answer to that question)
- “Stop being such a dumba**!” (Red Forman’s famous word)
- “Man, that movie was kick-butt!” (as overheard by most people leaving a Matthew McConaughey movie)
- “I got my butt chewed off by my boss this morning!” (not exactly sure where that expression came from…)
So it’s no surprise that we go to such great lengths to take care of our backsides. And nowhere is that more evident than in our choice of toilet paper.
Americans use an average of 23.6 rolls per person a year (some of us more than others). Did you know that you can gauge a person’s education by whether they read in the bathroom? More than 2/3 of people with master’s degrees and doctorates read in the stall.
American’s toilet paper choice is a multi-million dollar advertising industry. It has spawned commercials like these (don’t tell me you haven’t found yourself singing “cha-cha-cha…Charmin”).
Which brings me to the story behind this post.
Lisa and I look for ways to save money and one of those ways is buying in bulk through Costco. Unless there’s some scientific breakthrough on the horizon we’re going to continue to need toilet paper for the next, oh, forever. So it makes sense to buy the value packs.
So on Lisa’s last trip to Costco she wasn’t paying attention and accidentally bought the single-ply, extra thin, economy roll. You know, the kind you used to buy when you were in youth group and had nothing better to do on a Friday night other than TP your youth pastor’s house? Yeah, those.
So we’re now stuck with 24 rolls of toilet paper that I swear is made out of recycled sandpaper. I find myself walking down the sanitary aisle at the grocery store looking wistfully at those cute, soft little Charmin bears I used to make fun of.
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May 19, 2009
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paper MUST come from the top of the roll. MUST.
also, I crumple the first two and then finish with as many fold wipes as needed.
and I never look at the first wipe. what’s the point? you know there’s poop on there.
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May 19, 2009
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It’s funny because I have been thinking about TP a lot recently. (I think I’m obsessive compulsive.) One of the reasons is because I broke down and bought the Members Mark (Sams Club brand) TP in an effort to save money. SURPRISE! It was just as good as any of those cute little TP bear brands! The other reason is because I have been trying to recycle everything and lead a more organic lifestyle. So of course, in my new TP Obsession, I keep thinking about what treehuggers do as they’re trying to save the earth…. I mean seriously, can there really be a “green” substitute for TP or a way to recycle it? (Trust me – this not an area in which I am worried about being more organic or recycling.)
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May 19, 2009
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I won’t go into Aussie brands, but I require 3 ply, over not under (under is a crime – really), plain white, folded not crumpled.
And worst substitute : bark, and not soft bark either. 20 years still haven’t healed the (emotional) scars…
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May 19, 2009
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@Bryan – Wow, I wasn’t expecting that level of detail. Chalk that up under “things I know about Bryan but wish I didn’t…”
@Abby – I’m with you on the whole environmentally conscious thing. But when it comes to things so close to home, I think I would probably say that I’m more “backside-conscious” than I am “environmentally-conscious.”
@David – Bark? Ouch…
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May 19, 2009
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i hate the choice of toilet paper in public stalls. you know, the extra thin kind that tears off in little pieces because of the weight of the cheese wheel of a roll. i want toilet paper, not streamers. this is no time to celebrate!
at home i use “scott extra soft.” it’s thick and soft but still affordable.
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May 19, 2009
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I’m still waiting on someone to reference the Bidet…
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May 19, 2009
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TP always goes over. It’s rolled around my hand, then folded to ensure consistent size regardless of perforations. Wipe. Fold in half, but leave open end out and wipe again (Go green! LOL)
Worse/Best substitute was my headband and sock when I was running one time… Hey, when you gotta go and there’s no TP…
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May 19, 2009
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I don’t really care too much as long as it holds together. The paper in high school was awful…you know those tiny, folded, individual squares? I had to get a ton of them to make sure they didn’t get a hole.
My favorite tp story is when Janelle got the broom stuck in your tree. Ah, memories…=P
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May 19, 2009
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With 9 people in the house we go through a lot of toilet paper! The double rolls a must. I am definitely a Costco shoppers!
Over not under, must be 2ply and I think I scrunch it. I honestly don’t pay attention to that stuff.
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May 19, 2009
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I am waiting for Aaron Jackson to chime in…I’m really surprised he hasn’t yet.
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May 19, 2009
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I am proud to say that a friend/house guest of ours gave us an unofficial award for “Best Toilet Paper” out of all the places he stayed on his road trip.
My fav is the Cottonelle Ultra (purple packaging with the cute puppy on it.) I strayed from it because of a competitor’s coupon last time….NEVER AGAIN.
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May 19, 2009
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Aaron Jackson doesn’t poop he just likes talking about it!!!!! LOL…. Charmin is the way to go and folded, if you crumple it up don’t ever shake my hand…..also if you don’t wash your hands just don’t look at me….
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May 19, 2009
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Dan insists on the good toilet paper. I told him now that he’s not working that we’ll have to cut back on the toilet paper. He didn’t like that thought, although we did try something other than Cottonelle and his butt survived!
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May 19, 2009
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ELAINE: well I don’t need much, just 3 squares will do it
JANE: I’m sorry I don’t have a square to spare, now if you don’t mind
ELAINE: 3 squares? you can’t spare 3 squares??
JANE: no I don’t have a square to spare, I can’t spare a square
ELAINE: oh is it two-ply? cause it it’s two-ply I’ll take one ply, one ply, one, one puny little ply, I’ll take one measly ply
JANE: look, I don’t have a square and I don’t have a ply (flushing and leaving)
ELAINE: no no, no no, don’t don’t, I beg you…
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May 20, 2009
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Where to begin?
When you travel the world, there is no end to new and “exciting” bathroom experiences.
Romania had the strange pink toilet paper- it reminded me of those paper streamers you hang for parties- it was a little stretchy! But definitely not soft.
And somewhere I’ve been had brown toilet paper- similar to those brown paper towels you see places.
I am with Abbey on the single-ply pieces that you’ll find in student restrooms throughout FWCS. What a pain!
One stop in Guatemala we paid to use a nasty bathroom, and to get a piece of old newspaper to wipe off with.
When you go out to remote places, you just learn to bring your own TP if you don’t want to use leaves or something.
In Korea bidets were very popular (although you could usually find tissue nearby). Here in Thailand, they have a little hose next to the toilet (looks like the squirter you might have as part of your kitchen sink) that must be used like a bidet. We like to use it to hose off the bathroom floor or our dirty feet.
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May 20, 2009
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I use recycled toilet paper (ie toilet roll made from recycled paper not ‘already used toilet paper’ that would be disgusting) which is hopefully better for the environment.
It isn’t quite Charmin in its texture, but it’s not as bad as economy loo roll either!
As for scunching and folding…I don’t really know, haven’t thought about it!
I remember in primary school though they didn’t have toilet paper in the bathrooms to stop us scrunching it up, soaking it with water and throwing it up so it stuck on the ceiling. If you needed toilet paper you had to go ask the janitor for some….!
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May 20, 2009
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You people are gross.
And it’s still funny to me after all these years that there’s a story in the Bible about a guy with a talking ass.
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May 20, 2009
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I agree with Stephen…public restrooms have the absolute worst toilet paper. I’ve never thought about it before, but it does resemble streamers.
I think the worst (maybe saddest) toilet paperless story in the Bible is 2 Kings 18:27 in the KJV of course. After reading it, I am thankful for any toilet paper, any fold, any brand!
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May 20, 2009
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I agree with Jason Ruggles!
I’m just wondering how many men out there set the paper on top of the paper holder and wait for their wives to put the paper on the roll? (ARG!)
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May 20, 2009
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@starwoodgal I am one of those…but I am also the same guy that when my wife finally does put it on the roller I check to make sure it rolls from the top…has to roll from the top.
As for type…no John Wayne toilet paper (the kind that takes no crap from anyone)or as some refer to it as “single” ply
I require a minimum two ply or netter yet three ply… cruncher then folder…use as much as needed.
Here is what I have often wondered though.
Why are the sheets so small? Can anyone really use 1 sheet? Seriously doubt it.
Wow Brad…this blog has taken a turn
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May 20, 2009
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@Kassie & BJ, come on now, give me a little slack here, LOL! JRuggles will attest to the fact that I don’t talk about it THAT much. And, to be honest, I did read this post yesterday, and I guess a comment wasn’t necessary. I had no idea some people had such high poop-filled expectations!!!
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May 20, 2009
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“I had no idea some people had such high poop-filled expectations”
…only for you Jackson. Only for you.
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May 20, 2009
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had to chime in on this one. always, always, the roll has to come over the top and it has to be charmin ultra double rolls. definitely a folder. my mother-in-law buys the cheapest toilet paper she can find at sam’s and it torture.
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May 21, 2009
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WOW!!! Always over..I agree it is a crime for it to be under..I change it even if I am somewhere else ..Yes even at other peoples house..ok I have a problem..lol..my daughter did her school TAG project on toliet paper. I will have to get her facts they are really neat and post them on here =)
till then…
Rachel
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May 23, 2009
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in the early years of our missionary marriage, we were broke. we bought the cheapest of most things… which meant 1-ply TP. for the first few christmasses, i’d give my husband a wrapped pack of good TP! ha.
then a few years ago i decided that some sacrifices just don’t need to be made.
and while we don’t have anything anywhere near as luxurious as charmin in SA, we did upgrade to 2-ply.
made me a happier missionary, that’s for dang sure.
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May 24, 2009
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ahh.. The tping youth pastors is a great idea.. I wish I would have thought of that
haha
That tree has been through so much. 
I’m sure there is still some tp in there 
hahaha.
hmm. My FAVORITE was the night you got tp and had a bunch of signs everywhere in your yard. hahahahaha! Those were such the good days. I think I’m being tempted to just go tp that house just for the heck of it and to bring back old memories.
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May 24, 2009
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Wow.. I never really realized how big of a deal tp is.. over/under- scrunched/folded 2 ply/ squares… seriously… Haven’t you ever got caught in the bathroom with NO tp and then think that JUST ANY tp would work just fine…
I’ve learned to start checking
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May 24, 2009
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Oh my, the comments on this post have had me rolling, my stomach hurts from laughing so hard. I’m an “OVER” gal too, and everyone thinks it’s funny to turn it around just to irritate me! I chewed my husband out for it once, come to find out it was a friend of mine.. she snuck in there just long enough to turn it around. LOL
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May 27, 2009
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Im just catching up on my reading.. and holy cow.. this is hilarious.
I am definitely a 2 ply person, and folded. And that is about all the information you will get outta me.
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May 31, 2009
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[...] Thin Toilet Paper Brad Ruggles Posted by root 53 minutes ago (http://www.bradruggles.com) And to be honest i did read this post yesterday and i guess a comment proudly powered by wordpress 2 6 3 and the tiny green men inside my computer Discuss | Bury | News | Thin Toilet Paper Brad Ruggles [...]
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June 4, 2009
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Forget the paper—definitely a wet wipe man myself. Much more efficient and leaves you feeling daisy fresh!
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July 2, 2009
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Thank you for information
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March 31, 2010
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Folded, not crumpled. 2 sheets used to do it but now most TP is at least 1/2-inch narrower than it was just a year or so ago so I have to use 3. Who do they think they’re kidding?
Oh…over the top except at my Mom’s place. Her TP roll sits over the air conditioner vent in the floor…when the AC comes on it unrolls the TP unless the paper comes off the bottom first.