Sex Can Wait. So Can Marriage

10 posted on August 10, 2009

POSTED IN: Blog Posts, Culture, Makes You Think

I recently read about the growing trend in evangelical circles of couples getting married younger. When facing the possibility of the dreaded “sex before marriage,” some pastors and churches are trying to cut their losses and nudge young adults toward the altar even as many of their peers and parents are holding them back.

When Margie and Stephen Zumbrun were battling the urge to have premarital sex, a pastor counseled them to control themselves. The couple signed a purity covenant. When the two got engaged and Margie went wedding dress shopping, a salesperson called her “the bride who looks like she’s 12.” Nonchurch friends said that, at 22, she was rushing things.

The most recent issue of Christianity Today ran the cover story The Case For Early Marriage that looked at the current trend in the church toward younger marriages.

Better To Marry Than Burn

I’m not debating the damaging effects premarital sex can have on a marriage. There’s no question that no matter how many chastity balls we throw or purity rings we hand out, we’re losing ground. Over 90 percent of American adults experience sexual intercourse before marrying. The percentage of evangelicals who do so is not much lower. In a nationally representative study of young adults, just under 80 percent of unmarried, church- going, conservative Protestants who are currently dating someone are having sex of some sort.

Many christian leaders raise Paul’s argument that it’s “better to marry than to burn with lust.” (1 Cor. 7:9)

But at what point is marriage simply viewed as a ticket to guilt-free sex? What about the fact that marrying young is the single highest predictor of divorce?

I have my own opinions on this topic that are better shared over coffee than trying to condense into this post. I would however love to know your opinion.

What do you think?

Do you think pastors and Christian leaders are encouraging couples to get married too young? Or is young marriage the key to avoiding premarital sex?

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This entry was posted on Monday, August 10th, 2009 at 9:26 am and is filed under Blog Posts, Culture, Makes You Think. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

17 Comments

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August 10, 2009

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1 Theresa said:

I married Alan just 3 days after I turned 19. The first baby was born 15 months later. It had nothing to do with sex or not before marriage. I love him knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. We have been married almost 31 years. Were we young yes. Too young to marry I think not, the problem today is that we want our kids to go against the nature of God and do everything the world tells us is successful. If we quittrying to follow the worlds lead and do what the Word of God says we will be much better off.
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August 10, 2009

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2 jason salamun said:

Experience has taught me that no two couples are exactly the same. This is why I’m not a fan of blanket advice. In particular, blanket relationship advice.

I got married young (22) and knew my wife just shy of 1 year- but I wouldn’t say that’s THE way. It was simply our way.

I do know sex is never the reason to get married. However well-intended.

Sorry for the mini-sermon.
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August 10, 2009

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3 Matt @ The Church of No People said:

It’s a tough topic, because there’s no doubt that our culture is pushing for marriage later and later – already much later than we’re biologically programmed for. In almost any other time and place, we’d be parents by the time we were 16-20. Now we delay that by 5-10 years or more, then feel guilty when we fail at chastity. Everything else has to come before marriage – it’s a ‘last’ priority among many.

However, pushing for earlier marriages just seems like it will play into the other trend of ’starter marriages.’ We don’t want a part of that either.
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August 10, 2009

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4 joseph said:

Wow…here is a topic that has no chance of bringing differing opinions

This is tough…I would hope people wait to get married and have sex. I think it should be taught and supported.

I also know that my best friend followed this to the tee and once he got married to his girlfriend of many years, their intimate life was horrible and they later divorced over it.

I am going with Jason on this one and leaving the advice and blanket advice alone.

Very interesting point of discussion.
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August 10, 2009

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5 Brad Ruggles said:

Very interesting and diverse perspectives so far.

Theresa, there’s no doubt that some people can have very successful marriages when marrying young (congrats on 31 years by the way).

Jason, you’re right, blanket advice won’t work. Each situation is unique and must be treated as such.

Matt – I think we definitely need to factor in our culture’s influence. Obviously we can’t return to the marriage traditions of the last few hundred years and marry our kids off at 16. However, blindly adapting to today’s culture without seeking God’s will can be equally foolish.
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August 10, 2009

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6 Emily said:

Brad, I’ve been having TONS of conversations about this subject lately. I am recently divorced in part because of this issue. I was having sex with my boyfriend and felt pressured by the church and my family to break up or get married. I didn’t want to break up, so marriage seemed to be the logical conclusion. Of course 3 years later, you figure out you married for the wrong reasons, but how could you have known that at 21 when your church and family are telling you otherwise?
I am also watching a good friend go through exactly what Joseph is talking about up there. Did everything perfectly, waited, and the married sex life was horrible. Now they’re split up over it.
So my opinion: sex is something to be treated with respect. We are sexual beings and you can’t deny that part of being a human, it just ends up hurting you. Yes it hurts to have sex before marriage if the relationship doesn’t work out–but it also hurts to get a divorce.
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August 10, 2009

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7 Jay Brock said:

I do think pastors are encouraging young marriage… and that’s fine- if a couple is deeply in love with God, have vision-loaded lives, and are living in purity.

WAY too many couples are cheating on their character to avoid cheating on their marriage. Both are bad!
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August 10, 2009

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8 Sarah said:

I think it’s great that you are willing to bring up issues that are controversial! Kudos to you!

My husband and I met, and got married 2 1/2 years later when we were both 22. We were young, but we knew it was the right choice for us. I’m not trying to over-explain where I’m coming from, but just giving some background.

I have a good friend who started sleeping with a loser of a guy – a loser of a guy she ended up marrying. And while I agree that sex is sacred, and should be respected, I also think that marriage should be, even more so. To this day, I believe she married him (at least partly) because of the pressure in Christian circles about not having sex before marriage, and if you do, you should marry him. I disagree. So you had sex? Does it make it right to enter into a lifelong commitment with someone you shouldn’t be with? That’s not how God intended marriage to be. I would be more surprised if these 2 did NOT end up divorced some day.

And about the statistics of young marriage and divorce – I find it really sad that the marriages of people who love and follow Jesus are affected by the same statistics as those who don’t. Ideally, it would look different, wouldn’t it? Shouldn’t our whole lives look different? Again, that is just an ideal. And I’m not perfect either!
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August 10, 2009

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9 Clayton Bell said:

I agree with the above, we can’t put a blanket rule on everyone. However, if we, as a culture, didn’t pamper and treat young people with such, well, kid gloves, perhaps they’d be emotionally ready to get married at a younger age. Biologically, there’s little argument as to when it’s best for a woman to get pregnant and have kids- when they’re “too young.”

It seems most younger Christian couples that I know, including my wife and I (23 and 21 at marriage), are more emotionally mature and not upset they’ll miss more of life’s experiences as singles.

Perhaps the problem isn’t getting married younger, but the lack of emotional and spiritual maturity in most young people?
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August 10, 2009

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10 dewde said:

I am reminded of C. S. Lewis and his opinion, and I’m paraphrasing, sometimes it’s better to shack up than to get married.

[quote]
If people do not believe in permanent marriage, it is perhaps better that they should live together unmarried than that they should make
vows they do not mean to keep. It is true that by living together without marriage they will be guilty (in Christian eyes) of fornication. But one fault is not mended by adding another: unchastity is not improved by adding perjury.
[end quote]

It doesn’t make sense to me to discuss the sex/marriage/youth issue without also including the divorce issue. Because the couple’s beliefs in this area are equally important in discerning the correct course of action.

peace | dewde
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August 10, 2009

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11 Uzzi said:

That is ridiculous. It is almost 2010. The bible was written thousands of years ago. Are we going to start acting savage and primitive like the people who wrote the bible? NO. Times have changed. To all you religious freaks get used to it.
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August 10, 2009

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12 dewde said:

@Uzzi:

Know what else is thousands of years old? Name-calling. We should get rid of that too.

Want to go first?

peace | dewde
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August 10, 2009

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13 Uzzi said:

@dewde

Are you a male or female? And The day I take suggestions from you, someone who enjoys starting internet fights, which btw is pathetic will be the day I put a gun to my head.
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August 11, 2009

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14 sTim said:

Wow. A momentous occasion for Brad’s blog: the first troll, complete with bad grammar!

Congrats Brad, you’ve made it to the big time now! =)
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August 12, 2009

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15 Early Marriage « Man of Depravity said:

[...] Brad Ruggles [...]
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September 16, 2009

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16 Adrienne said:

I think it’s time for Christians to review the old prohibition against premarital sex in loving and exclusive relationships. Note that the Bible doesn’t expressly forbid premarital sex; it only forbids immoral behavior. How can sex be truly immoral if both people want to share in their love for each other? Am I wrong to believe that couples are wrong to marry as a license to have sex? That in itself is an immoral act!
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December 31, 2009

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17 myth buster said:

16. Note that while the Old Testament never expressly forbids premarital sex, it does require that a couple that has had sex get married immediately, and forbids a man from divorcing his wife if they were married in this manner. In other words, you are creating a distinction where none exists- if you love each other and are committed to each other that much, get married!